Friday, January 28, 2011
i could have lost one of my best friends today. and i could have been in the car she was in that flipped. and i am glad that she is okay. because i don't know what i would do without her. but it made me realize that things don't always go as planned and that stuff happens that's not supposed to. and i am lucky that she is alive and that everyone was okay. just the wrong place at the wrong time, i dont know what made me lucky- maybe it was fate.
What’s the reason I’m standing here waiting?
I know that you’re not happy with me, dad,
I’m not going to spend my time debating.
You say you don’t hold grudges, but you are still mad,
I am sorry that I made a mistake.
Stop yelling at me! I can’t take your pain,
It’s like dropping a glass and watching it break.
All the strength I have is beginning to wane,
Sometimes you make me want to go and forget.
I don’t move a muscle, I keep on sitting,
Holding a cigarette waiting to be lit.
Wondering, dreaming, even reminiscing,
And I’m still sitting here looking at this door-
I’ve got no where to go, nothing to live for.
1. i miss the good morning text messages and good night phone calls
2. i miss when we would have random conversations and talk about things like how i wanted juice or chinchillas or random stuff like that.
3. i miss the random songs we found that applied to us
4. i miss the way you would look at me, eyes unfocused, noses touching after we kissed
5. i miss the way you would only say i love you if you really really meant it
6. i miss how your eyes could never lie to me
7. i miss how you would pick flowers for me and tuck them behind my ear because i thought they were pretty
8. i miss how you would hold my hand in yours and wouldn't let go
9. i miss the way you'd kiss my hair and forehead just because
10. i miss our late night pizza calls
11. i miss the hammock we would sit in on the side of your house, looking up at the stars
12. i miss that disgusting green colored blanket and your bean bag i always managed to fall asleep on
13. i miss avatar
14. i miss the idea of growing old with you- because now i know it'll never happen
15. i miss wearing that necklace around my neck and that poncho. because they belonged to you
16. i miss playing frisbee at the park
17. i miss our long walks and starbucks runs
18. i miss when you would carry me all the way home and give me piggy back rides when i forgot my shoes and the ground burned my feet
19. i miss how even though you didnt like it because PDA is "gross" you'd still kiss me in public
20. i miss walking wherever whenever just because we could. turn right, turn left, it doesn't matter
21. i miss the ugly baby pictures we found that made us laugh at dinner
22. i miss your dad dedicating jazz songs to me in the car with you and your mom and having you roll your eyes
23. i miss your freckles
24. i miss walking into the room to find you hanging from the ceiling on a bar or those rings
25. i miss the gate lady i saw at least twice a week who gave me the slip to get to your house
26. i miss when you were actually nice.
27. i miss when i was yours.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
2. i miss the lazy days of staying up late and waking up at noon
3. i miss the blue skies, the birds, the flowers all blooming
4. i miss not having any drama because it was summer
5. i miss when he'd tuck a flower behind my ear because i thought it was pretty
6. i miss the bare feet on the hot pavement and running to get to where you are going because the ground is so hot and you dont have shoes
7. i miss being able to swim whenever i want.
8. i miss the sleepovers and making pancakes the morning after as we recap our night
9. i miss the summer love when everything is good and all you can do is smile
10. i miss not being stressed about school and grades
11. i miss everyone being oblivious about what is going on.
12. i miss when i could do what i want when i want
13. i miss the loud music and the pajamas tuesday morning just because
14. i miss the lemonade and the frappachinos from starbucks
15. i miss walking to circle k past the old homeless guy to go get energy drinks and snacks and making ourselves look pretty to go out after being at the beach
16. i miss the aviators with the convertible down
17. i miss my babiessssss
what's it like to feel so free? flying with unbroken wings in open sapphire skies. what's it like to smile and mean it. don't judge, i'm tied together by a smile but there's a broken girl on the inside. wondering what it feels like to be free from the burdens daily life places in her hands
stop messing up kid. you better not choke. now's not the time games. no more 'just for kicks' no more jokes and just to say you did it. stop giving in. don't let yourself fall. you're slipping, you stopping gripping onto the only thing holding you up. what are you going to do kid. what are you going to do if you fall.
hell |hel|nouna place regarded in various religions as a spiritual realm of evil and suffering, often traditionally depicted as a place of perpetual fire beneath the earth where the wicked are punished after death.• a state or place of great suffering; an unbearable experience: I've been through hell | he made her life hell.exclamationused to express annoyance or surprise or for emphasis : oh, hell—where will this all end? | hell, no, we were all married.• ( the hell) informal expressing anger, contempt, or disbelief :who the hell are you? | the hell you are!PHRASESall hell broke loose informal suddenly there was pandemonium.( as) —— as hell informal used for emphasis : he's as guilty as hell.be hell on informal be very unpleasant or harmful to : a sensitive liberal mentality can be hell on a marriage.catch (or get) hell informal be severely reprimanded : Paul kept his mouth shut and looked apologetic—we got hell.come hell or high water whatever difficulties may occur.for the hell of it informal just for fun : she walked on window ledges for the hell of it.—— from hell informal an extremely unpleasant or troublesome instance or example of something : I've got a hangover from hell.get the hell out ( of) informal escape quickly from (a place or situation) : let's all get the hell out of here.give someone hell informal severely reprimand or make things very unpleasant for someone.go to hell informal used to express angry rejection of someone or something.go to (or through) hell and back endure an extremely unpleasant or difficult experience.go to hell in a handbasket informal undergo a rapid process of deterioration.hell for leather as fast as possible.hell's bells informal an exclamation of annoyance or anger.hell hath no fury like a woman scorned proverb a woman who has been rejected by a man can be ferociously angry and vindictive.a (or one) hell of a —— informal used to emphasize something very bad or great : it cost us a hell of a lot of money.hell's half acre a great distance.hell on wheels a disastrous situation.like hell informal 1 very fast, much, hard, etc. (used for emphasis): it hurts like hell. 2 used in ironic expressions of scorn or disagreement : like hell, he thought.not a hope in hell informal no chance at all.play hell informal make a fuss; create havoc. • cause damage : the rough road played hell with the tires.the road to hell is paved with good intentions proverbpromises and plans must be put into action, or else they are useless.there will be hell to pay informal serious trouble will occur as a result of a previous action.to hell used for emphasis : damn it to hell.to hell with informal expressing one's scorn or lack of concern for (someone or something) : to hell with the consequences.until (or till) hell freezes over for an extremely long time or forever.what the hell informal it doesn't matter.DERIVATIVEShellward |-wərd| adverb & adjectiveORIGIN Old English hel, hell, of Germanic origin; related toDutch hel and German Hölle, from an Indo-European root meaning ‘to cover or hide.’
love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. if you get a chance, take it. if it changes your life, let it. nobody said it would be easy they just promised it would be worth it.
I miss you more than I can bear. It feels like I have heartburn from eating too much spice…all the time…but I know it’s just heart ache from missing you. You may be miles away and the possibility of being together, parallel universes and light years apart…but I can’t stop thinking about you, about the times we spent together. Our time together was brief but perhaps it’s better that way; I remember every detail about the moments we spent together…remember verbatim the jokes you told me, the stories, everything. And I can’t help replaying these memories…on the train, in class, while I’m supposed to be studying. I can’t listen to Pandora anymore because every song is about love and every song reminds me of you.
We live in worlds apart and that’s the problem with summer…trips and internships bring you into different worlds that just seem to be detours on the way to real life. But I must admit, I’d leave everything behind to be with you if you cared more…and perhaps if in this day and age, it wouldn’t be ridiculous and foolhardy. To be honest, I don’t know why I’m still so stuck in summer. Thinking about you has been so much wasted time…so distracting for my studies when it’s most important. And besides, it’s been months since we had a real conversation. I should be mad at you but I can’t help but think how well we click, how perfect I think you are for me. It’s funny though because I never believed in Romeo and Juliet, in love at first glance, or in soul mates. Now my heart aches because we would have been amazing together. But really, I should be so mad at you. Mad for telling me you liked me…it would have never occurred to me to be something other than friends if you hadn’t. Mad for telling me when there was nothing either of us could really do about it. Mad for leading me on…when were you going to tell me that you got back with your ex-girlfriend? Mad for telling me you liked me…when it seems like you want to marry your girlfriend. Mad because you are getting in the way of me leading my life…you are so much wasted time.
We are just friends now…and I hate that we are still friends, that you still talk to me, though always briefly. I think it keeps me hoping that someday we might be together…but even if that impossibility occurs, a relationship with you will be fraught with its own thorns (hello ex-girlfriends!...why do you have so goddam many?). But I hate the idea of losing you as a friend even more because let's face it, you are good one. So I am still friends with you, hoping and praying everyday that I think of you a little less every day. I know it will happen. I know one day, I will look at you as just a friend, really, sincerely, genuinely. But right now, I miss you and want you, and I can’t help thinking to myself…goddamit, we could be so sublimely happy together.
I miss you, I miss you. I miss you. And I am still stuck in summer.
my father always said, "early to bed, early to rise
makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise"
it was lights out at 8 p.m. in our house
and we were up at dawn to the smell of
coffee, frying bacon, and scrambled eggs
my father followed this general routine
for a lifetime and died young, broke,
and, i think, not too wise
taking not, i rejected his advice and it
became, for me, late to bed late to rise
now i'm not saying that i've conquered the world, but i've avoided
numberless early traffic jams, bypassed some common pitfalls
and have met some strange, wonderful people
one of whom
someone my father
- Charles Bukowski-
Monday, January 24, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
i am suffocating because i can't tell you how i feel. i cant tell you how lost i am. i can't tell you how much you are hurting me. i can't tell you how much i want to be with you but that you are killing me. i am losing myself to my own insanity. and i can see that that is killing you. and i can't stand to hurt you